The pursuit of happyness

I was in quite a pensive mood the other day, and felt the need to have a good old think about things. At the risk of sounding incredibly corny, I’ve learnt an awful lot about myself since being here. I guess it was always there for me to discover, but I’d never really thought about it properly until now. I’ve learnt that when push comes to shove, I am a lot better at getting on with things than I first thought I was, that living a long way away from family and friends can, at times, be much tougher than first anticipated, and that it is not a failure to admit that things are hard at times.

It’s a strange thing, happiness, and I’ve discovered that my view of it has been entirely warped. I decided, probably around the end of Year 10, so when I was about 15, that languages were the route I wanted to go down in life, so the knowledge that at some point I would be spending a long time in another country was a prospect that has gradually been edging nearer for several years. It was only really last year, though, when ‘Life in Germany’ became a real deal that I had to cope with. So whenever I hit a bit of a bad day at uni last year, I just kept looking for the German light at the end of the tunnel, telling myself that when I eventually got there, everything would work itself out, and happiness would be achieved. Mentally I had it up on a pedestal, hoping that when I made it to Germany, everything would slot into place. As you know, most of the time, it’s fantastic, but I couldn’t work it out in my head why I wasn’t ‘happy’ all the time. But then it hit me. No one is happy all the time, no matter who you are or how mentally strong you may be. It’s impossible, because happiness is not an absolute. It is relative; completely and utterly relative.

Happiness, unlike Germany, is not a physical destination. You do not arrive at its station at 8.20 on a Monday morning and are there to stay. Happiness is an emotion; it undulates, ebbs, flows, comes and goes like any other feeling. It’s not something you acquire over time; it’s not something you can achieve. So the days when sadness, homesickness or stress is the prevailing emotion should not be thought of as a failure. And it’s taken me an awfully long time to figure that out.

I guess it was quite naïve to think that every day in Germany would be plain sailing. I mean, I’m on my own, 500 miles away from everyone I know and love, in a country that’s unfamiliar, in a culture that’s not my own. Of course there were going to be some rocky patches. In fact, I think I’d be more concerned if there weren’t. Often, when people are going through a tough patch, people tell them to just stick at it, push on through and make the best out of a bad situation. Fortunately, this doesn’t apply to me. I don’t have to make the best out of a bad situation. I am lucky enough to be able to make the best out of a brilliant situation. Germany is a fantastic country, with so many places to explore. I have been placed in a lovely school, with lovely colleagues and lovely students. Simone is, as ever, unfailingly brilliant. She and Thomas are quickly becoming two of my favourite people in the world. Simone, despite being one of the busiest teachers in school, is always ready to make time for me, whatever my question or query, and will go to every length to help me solve it. She has been an invaluable source of support and encouragement, and has quickly become a great friend, as well. But in spite of all of that, not every day can be a great one. And I guess those not-so-great days  seem all the worse when you live a long way away from home, because the people that would normally make you a cuppa and talk you through the bad patch are no longer on hand.

Sorry about the monologue. But it’s just that I’ve only really begun to appreciate this in the last week or so, and felt the need to get it off my chest. There are days when I wake up, raring to go, and think to myself; today will be a good day. Let’s do this. There are days when I don’t stop smiling all day. There are days when I can't wait to speak to my parents to tell them about all the amazing things that have happened that day. There are days when I want to stay in Germany forever. Then there are days that don’t go so well; when I long to go back to my flat and spend the rest of the afternoon in my pjs watching episodes of Downton Abbey. There are days when things don’t go smoothly and I get stressed; when I am angry at the world and everyone in it. There are days when I just need a good cry. That is ok. That is not a sign of failure or of weakness. That is just life.

Just my thought for the day.

Bis später,

Emily